A Forget-Me-Not From the Big C

The last update accurately reflected by mood after finally getting off all of my drugs. I felt great. My life wasn't back to normal but it was making steady progress. My main focus was improving my quality of life. The most significant effort at that was signing up for the acupuncture clinical trial.
On the morning of September 19th I came crashing back down to earth. Eerily reminiscent of when I first found my cancer, I was putting sunscreen on my neck prior to reffing a soccer match and noticed the area on the left side of my Adam's apple was larger than the right. My heart sank. Five months after treatment seemed like the most likely time for recurrence. I had visions of surgery; losing my larynx, my voice; of the cancer being untreatable this time. I emailed both my doctors. The weekend went by in a haze. I felt like an actor in a play; the outcome preordained. I felt powerless to change it.

My doctors came to the rescue, again!

Dr. Fong emailed me Monday morning that he would squeeze me in between appointments Monday afternoon. Dr. Yom arrived at the start of my acupuncture appointment on Monday morning at UCSF and did a thorough physical exam. I was incredibly relieved when she told me that she thought it was nothing to worry about but that I should get a needle biopsy just to be sure. I told her that I was seeing Dr. Fong in the afternoon and I would pursue it with him. Dr. Fong agreed that it was very unlikely this was cancer. He felt it was probably a collection of lymphatic fluid that had nowhere to go due to the destruction the radiation had inflicted on the lymphatic system in my neck. Before he did a needle biopsy he wanted to get an undisturbed MRI image to examine. The MRI appointment was set for Sunday.

I was so relieved to hear both of my doctors agreeing that the swelling was unlikely to be cancer. And just in time, because on Wednesday Bonnie and I would drive our firstborn up to Oregon for her freshman year of college. As expected, it was a bittersweet experience. We were so proud of our mature young lady leaving the nest, but we knew that this was the most significant step on her road to independence and that our life with her would never be the same. Luckily we were so busy getting her moved in on Thursday and tracking down last minute stuff for her that the time went quickly. That evening we had a nice dinner with her roommate Ariana's parents who live around the corner from us in the Knolls.

Glen, my guide through all this, was also up at UO dropping off his sophomore son. We were to have a quiet breakfast on Friday morning with him and his wife, but the kids got wind of this and our party of four swelled to ten, including Ari and her parents! It was a wonderful way to say goodbye and I did get some time to bring Glen up to date and compare notes.

On the way home, Bonnie and I stopped for the night in Ashland, home of the Shakespeare festival, and took in another play, Henry VIII. Our seats were great and we both really enjoyed the performance. We returned home on Saturday around 4 pm. On Sunday I had an uneventful MRI and then impatiently waited for the results. I figured I'd hear late Wednesday or Thursday.

It was a busy week due to our Global Marine Meeting at work. For the first time since my diagnosis I was able to see my team from Rotterdam and the rest of the overseas Marine team. I really like my job and the relationship I have with the team is a significant part of that. After all I've been through this year, I value our friendships even more. It was wonderful seeing them and interacting with the group just like before. The moments of normalcy were almost intoxicating!

As an aside, I know some of my imagery through this blog sounds a bit over-the-top, but to me it sometimes feels akin to describing color to the blind. There are times, not all the time mind you, but there are times when the sensory/emotional input seems more intense than before. The color and scent of a rose are more intense, like I am squeezing all the color and all the scent out because I know in my bones that life is short.

It was a busy busy week with a business dinner on Tuesday where I met some additional old friends from work that I hadn't seen in over a year and two more dinners on Wednesday and Thursday. I had UCSF appointments on Thursday and Friday, reffing Saturday and Sunday and a Quakes game with Tom on Saturday night! I was tired after all that but my weight stayed above 150 and best of all I got the perfect email from Dr. Fong Wednesday afternoon! The first words were "Your MRI looks great!" That was followed by the usual medical jargon but Dr. Fong knew that I wanted the bottom line up front and in plain English. And I know the instant he received the radiologist's report, he sat down and forwarded the results to me. I am so lucky to have such great people as my doctors. Don't get me started on health reform.

My weight continues to bounce around but the trend is up. After dropping to 144 in September I have been above 150 now for weeks and seem to hit a new high every week. The latest is 157. Life is still not without its setbacks though. I pulled my deltoid muscle a few weeks ago just reaching for something and I re-injure it a couple times a day; frequently by taking out my wallet or tucking in my shirt. I guess the muscle there is too small to deal with the effort of just moving my arm.

So life continues with a bit less zest than I had in early September. I got the message. I'm not out of the woods yet. Improving my quality of life is a good thing to focus on but my number one priority is getting to year five without a recurrence.