Thursday Dec 11, 2008 -- About 3:45 on my way to WCI - I don’t usually pull off the road to take a call when I’m driving but for some reason I decided to do that when I heard my phone ring on my way to Carolyn’s practice. Carolyn and one of her club soccer teammates had decided to coach the middle school soccer team rather than tryout for the high school JV team. I had missed all of her team’s games due to an unlucky combination of business travel, high school reffing and rain cancellations. This was my last chance to watch her coach her team.

The call was Dr. Huang. She said, “I have some bad news. The pathology results indicate you have squamous cell carcinoma. I’ve scheduled you for a CT scan on Monday and a PET scan on Wednesday. Do you have any questions?” I was STUNNED. I think I asked a question or two, but I have no recollection of what I said. I only recall feeling hollow, disconnected from reality. My thoughts seemed dark and sluggish like I’ve imagined the river Styx when I read Greek mythology. And I could feel my thoughts, my emotions descending into some dark depth of hell. I continued on to WCI because I couldn’t consider an alternative. I was on autopilot. I thought of my death. I thought of my family. I felt horrible at the thought of leaving them alone.

I remembered Pat telling me that Mike had helped him when he was first diagnosed with cancer. That Mike had told him how to deal with his family’s reaction to the news. I needed to talk with Pat. I needed to know how to relate to my family. I felt panicked and cut off from them. I needed to call Pat but I wanted to call Bonnie first so she wouldn’t be upset that I told someone else before her. How ludicrous that sounds now! But I wasn’t thinking straight. Dashiell was at WCI too. He wanted a ride home. Carolyn was running her team’s practice. I just kept walking around restlessly looking at my children and feeling so sad that I was going to leave them before they left home. I called Bonnie and gave her the news. Then I hung up so I could call Pat. Stupid. Thoughtless. But I was still stunned. I couldn’t keep more than one thought going at once.

I called Pat. He was in Phoenix. He was immediately focused and sympathetic. (I’m sad to say I know how it feels to be in his shoes now.) He said he’d be home on Friday and we could get together sometime over the weekend. He’d call me on Friday to set a time and place. I semi- came to my senses and called Bonnie back so we could talk. We agreed not to tell the kids until their finals were over, until we knew more. That night I was on the internet until 2 or 3 a.m. The percentages didn’t look good. I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. Earlier my thoughts were sluggish. Now they were racing. Racing downward in tight spirals.